When you lose someone you love-
a parent, spouse, friend, child- when you lose someone to death, your
grief takes a path all its own. Grieving is a mysterious process that
has no timetable and each person gets their needs met in different ways.
Moods will shift in an instant and the most mundane of tasks may seem
impossible. Stress builds relentlessly and many are at a loss at the start
of this inevitable process, numb with shock and the unthinkable yet necessary
reconciliation of life without the lost loved one.
This list was inspired by the
loss a dear friend of mine experienced when her father died suddenly.
She found it helpful and suggested it be shared with others. It is by
no means a quick fix nor a method to avoid the pain of grief. It is simply
a perspective to consider when support is required.
This page is dedicated to
Allan Marion and the family that loves him so.
~Anything and everything you
do is OK.
~That means being moody, irritable, downright bitchy is OK
~Being late, forgetful, uninterested, distracted, burning the toast, dropping
the plate, breaking the window, is OK
~Wanting to be private and not social is OK, no matter what the occasion,
or how often you're invited. You are entitled to get through your loss
~t's OK to tell people who want to help that all you need from them is
sit with you SILENTLY. That that is support enough. There's nothing to
here. It's all process of healing your heart from now on.
~It's OK to ask your partner to do anything you're not up to. S/He can
arrange to get more help if necessary.
~It's OK to hire a cleaning lady, increase hours of childcare, order food
or use a service like Dinnerworks etc. because you may not be up to those
daily tasks for a while. OR after a while.
~It's OK to spend whatever you need to get any need met.
~It's OK to get a healing massage at home each week. It's actually important
to help move your emotions out of your body, to release the stress around
the traumatic time prior to the death if there was an illness.
~It's OK to cry ANYWHERE ANYTIME. People may look, but ultimately it doesn't
matter what they think. THIS IS ALL ABOUT YOU NOW.
~It's OK to get your spouse to call his/her family daily so you don't
have to deal with good intentioned people trying to fulfill THEIR need
to help you. Not your problem.
~It's OK to say no to projects you're not up to, or to make arrangements
for business support to help out. Don't worry about business now, it will
all work out. You will not lose clients over this.
~Afford everything you wish you could have right now for support. In money,
calories, energy, sleep, classes, books, movies, music, whatever. This
is when you need to show yourself unconditional generosity. You are worth
everything it takes to get through this initial time of grieving.
~It's OK to be angry. At nothing in particular. At anyone specifically.
~It's OK to feel afraid of what's next.
~It's OK to talk to your deceased loved one, and express anything you
wish you'd said or want to repeat.
~It's OK to believe anything your child says about him/her. S/he's young
enough to still be a transmitter for the other side.
~It's OK to be happy as the
time passes, to feel a sunburst of joy slip in. It doesn't mean you love
or miss them less. Enjoying your life at any given moment doesn't mean
you are disloyal in any way. This is what healing looks like.
ANYTHING YOU DO is ok now.
There are no mistakes, no selfishness, no inappropriate behaviour. The
love around you will hold you close. Till you are OK again. You will be
here to read the poem Mourning Greeting.
If you live in the Toronto
area and would like professional support, you can book a private session
with Gestalt therapist, Laila Ghattas. Call 416. 696. 0086.